How do you keep your heart open and not feel such deep pain at some of the things you hear or see? At times I feel so overwhelmed by all I want to do and all that I want to change for God. But there is a problem in this- me asking God what I can do for Him rather than allowing God to take control and asking Him to work through me. I have control issues, but I discovered recently again that it sure is nice flying in an airplane without those control issues overwhelming me...and it's not the pilot of the plane that I believe in, so much more, all of a sudden. It's not like I met the guy, and yet, I let him take me thousands of feet into the air above mountains, concrete, trees, water- all unpleasant things to crash into from a few thousand feet up, by the way...I still have this horrible imagination and I think about the landing wheels getting stuck or what the emergency slide looks like with all of us sliding off into shark infested waters...don't even get me started on the movie "Alive" it took a few years before I stopped wondering which passenger we would be eating first while flying over the mountains. I am still afraid. I am still human. I am still horribly selfish. But I don't carry my own load unless my control issues get in the way. (and they actually still do quite often.) I read this tonight in Hebrews10:35 "So do not throw away your conifidence; it will be richly rewarded." I write this also because I was afraid that me writng would be some sort of self glorification, but it's not, it's just a sharing of where my confidence lies. I am trying to be real and open up my heart. I am not so overwhelmed anymore and I'm feeling that maybe I actually might be following His leading.
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