The Miracle of Him

I still remember the first time that I babysat him. I was about 15 years old. All the kids were in bed. I had finished drawing pictures for the six of them and hiding them in their rooms. The lights were low and all was quiet. I needed to wake him up. He needed medicine at night. So I went to the room he shared with his twin brother and pulled him up out of his crib. I gave him the medicine and held him in the rocking chair.The family had no TV, so I wasn't distracted by anything but him. I just held him. He was so used to being poked and prodded and cared for by many others, so he was content and not scared to be held by yet another person other than his mom. I marvelled at his arms and legs covered in downy hair. An effect of the medicine. I remember feeling so thankful and blessed that I could experience holding him. A true miracle. Putting my hand on his chest and feeling his heart beat. I actually cried, but I don't know if it was out of gratefulness for him or sadness for the other little girl baby who gave her heart to this amazing boy.I prayed for the other family. I'm still emotional as I write this, not realising how much he affected me until June of this year. The phrase from Luke 2:19 speaks to me now. "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." That moment was one of the treasures that I have stored in my heart. For now, this is where I will end. The holiness of that night. The feeling of his weight, his amazing life, in my arms. The miracle of him.

Burdens or Blessings?

In the absence of all the things my heart longs for, You are there

A friend, a sister made up to still the ache, yet, You still care

Hope in love lost, relationships suffered You are in this all

Disappointments and excuses yet You catch me when I fall

The boy I thought would live, power I believed in, You were there

I doubted, but had hope, I was angry and cried "It's not fair!"

In the midst of all, despite of what I may have thought

The burdens I have held on to, and the answers I have sought

YOU ARE THERE

Why can't I just rest in your peace and let go of myself now?

To stop pretending and to stop avoiding the truth, but how?

Times I've been angry and confused, you are like a guiding light

Still then I'm easily tossed by waves and blinded in plain sight

A light house to beckon, to warn, yet I refuse to come home

I think I can master it all and so I sink on my own

The burdens are your blessings and they are calling me to you

I see how weak I really am and commit myself anew

YOU ARE STILL THERE

You will always be there, yes, you are teaching me this each day

How often do I need to learn, to trust, to rest and to stay?

The lonely times,the searching times, and the hopeless times are gifts

They are the times when my whole course in life needs to move, to shift

I trust too often in people that pass, and in life that dies

I trust too often in all of this earth and it's worldly lies

Slowly, I see You through my burdens and life's promise of pain

Only You can turn burdens to blessings, there is much to gain

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, he will not grow tired or weary and His understanding no one can fathom."

Isaiah 40:28 & 29

Commitment

Late December and early January is probably most depressing for me. Lack of sunlight,  feeling a bit under the weather and feeling a bit overwhelmed at the close of another year are contributing factors to this mild depression. In my case I struggle with a lack Sonlight as well. I can't entirely trust my thoughts and feelings and so I have also been avoiding my blog. Then I feel like I'm cheating somehow but not writing these struggles on my blog. I am entirely human. Obviously.  A lot of people tend to think that when you have Christ, the struggle ends. I have to constantly remind myself to take baby steps though. I have found many times to be thankful, many times to laugh and many times to enjoy this Christmas. But I do get far more contemplative and my thoughts and feelings are more unreliable at this time of the year. Sometimes feelings help and sometimes they hinder a relationship or my faith. Sometimes I just need to remember my commitment to my husband or to Christ. We shouldn't rely on our feelings to produce worship nor worship to always produce feelings. I have been avoiding my blog and perhaps my relationship with Christ too. Sometimes I avoid issues with my husband too. I float along on what works and I float along on certain feelings, but my feelings are not reliable, right? I am scared when I read in the Bible and it says someones heart was hardened. I don't think it's fair...it scares me. But then I find my own heart hardened. My motives aren't always pure. The things I fail at are the things that I don't put into my spiritual journey. Absolutely everything should fit in, but I don't always want it to. I have many temptations that plague me, one deals with food at the moment. But my motivation for losing weight right now is earthly and not spiritual. I need to pray to change my mindset, but I don't know if I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can buy cute clothes, so that I can look attractive, and so that I can fit in. In reality, if those are my motivations, then I know I am set up for failure. Maybe not right away, maybe in two years, but I will fail. My need to be thinner is superficial right now. Superficial will not last. I need to commit everything to Christ. Even those things that seem silly, like my procrastination with laundry. I will fail unless I commit it to the Lord.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3