Desert to Dessert

As a kid I often confused writing the word dessert with desert. Though I do believe people who are lost in the desert would definitely be longing for some type of dessert after a while.

I know it has been far too long since I've last written. I was in a desert of some sort -and I can see why I have been in the desert. I can see the slow guidance- I needed to continue walking. Elijah, John the Baptist and Jesus spent time in the desert as well (among others I'm sure) -the desert is not a bad place to be. 

   "If you can still place your trust in Him even when you feel forsaken, that is a measure of your love. To do so, despite having no sense of His presence, is proof that you trust God's will, because you continue to pray even when you receive no obvious benefit. To pray at such times shows an intent to please God and not ourselves. and when His nearness steals over us, we shall know it stems from His grace, not our will. " Cardinal Basil Hume. 

  I know that genuine feeling and emotion were lacking from my spiritual life for a time, but I continued to trust that He is real. I continued to teach my children His ways and I continued going to church and such. He transforms us in different ways. We cannot rely on feelings when  it comes to our faith. ( This is a comfort to me being a hormonal woman -I don't always trust my feelings.) Grace is not just a feeling you get when you are saved. Grace is much more powerful than that. I guess grace is like the dessert you could be assured of receiving while in your spiritual desert. Keeping your eyes fixed on just that will make even the driest desert bearable. 

The Lord Will Guide You Always

Isaiah 58:9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,quit blaming victims,quit gossiping about other people’s sins,If you are generous with the hungryand start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.I will always show you where to go.I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—firm muscles, strong bones.You’ll be like a well-watered garden,a gurgling spring that never runs dry.You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,rebuild the foundations from out of your past.You’ll be known as those who can fix anything,restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,make the community livable again. 

I have once been given this verse by a church while I was on a Summer Workshop in Ministry team. I continue  to claim this verse as one of my own. The actual verse I received was Isaiah 58:11. I first heard it in the NIV, but now reading it in The Message is pretty amazing. Lord, help me to get rid of unfair practices. Help me to see when I am blaming the victims. I pray that I am very careful in how I talk about others. May I be generous, may I glow and shine. I would like to live life to the fullest but only in His fullness! I want firm muscles and strong bones of someone who continues to grow. Not remain as a baby or whither with age in my spiritual life. I have always liked the sound of the water running, may I have that in my life. Help me to continue to build up from the neglected rubble of the past. 

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”. ― John Newton

2 Corinthians 3:4-5 We have this kind of confidence toward God through Christ. It is not that we are competent in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our competence is from God. 

The quote from John Newton is really a very good one. I often feel I make such slow progress, but yet there is progress. This progress is only possible through Christ and my willingness. It's like a continuation of what I was saying in the previous post, but I hadn't really planned on continuing with the last post. It really is amazing how God works and the lessons he brings to us. Again I have to say that what we want or think we want or think we are capable of may not be what God has in mind for us. 
But really I am finding that I am not really competent in anything and that the minute I do feel a sense of pride or accomplishment apart from His grace I will be humbled and I will discover how incompetent I really am. 
So, yes, I am excited to admit I cannot do anything and yet I can do everything.! I am happy to say that I am weak even though I am strong. I have known this to be true but to actually feel that it is true is something I am thankful for right now.
 In the past I have felt frustrated with the weakness I've seen in myself, but today I really feel that I am learning what it is to rejoice in my weaknesses and to live in His strength. It is only then when He can use me. Only then when I know I am putting myself aside so that His glory can shine through me. 
I do know that I will need a lot more humbling work within my life, (not something I thoroughly enjoy) but it is better to be doing something we are not feeling confident in as it is only then that we are sure of where our strength truly comes from. It is better not to be in control and to be asking God continually how we are to move forward, right?

Exodus 4:10-13 Moses said to the Lord, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” But Moses said, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it.” 

Jeremiah 1:4-6, 8 The word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,before you were born I set you apart;I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” “Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.” Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. 

Writing is my thing. I don't really do so well with talking to people or in many types of relationships. I feel that if I share, others will feel they can share. But it doesn't really work that way. I don't feel comfortable asking people too many questions because I want others to share because they want to and not because I have asked. Yet that makes people feel as if I might not be interested. I have been hurt in the past in certain relationships and so I feel I can't invade someone else's space. But maybe praying in secret, caring for someone in secret can also be seen as giving in secret. Our Father hears. I've not been overly concerned on how I might look to others or what my social web looks like to others. 

What I find most interesting about these scriptures is that so many will say that they don't have a gift for a certain ministry or that they couldn't witness because it is just not comfortable for them. I really believe that we can be called to do anything. Regardless of how we feel or what we know, all  Christ needs is faith and willingness. Our lives are not our own and we are constantly trying to make them our own. Perhaps the things we feel most uncomfortable with actually are the things that we should be doing. Perhaps we should be extremely careful how we answer when we are asked to do something we might not have thought to do ourselves. Try to evaluate everything carefully and be open to the idea that just maybe you are being called to do something you just don't want to do or have the gift or confidence for.

Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;therefore I will wait for him.” 

Lamentations 5:19-22 You, O Lord, reign forever;your throne endures from generation to generation. Why do you always forget us?Why do you forsake us so long? Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return;renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us and are angry with us beyond measure.

- Lord, it feels consuming sometimes. And I feel as if Your compassion is that of human nature, though I know it isn't. My experience with people is that they don't understand and just can't know. Also,that which I am going through is insignificant.That the pain I feel is imagined or hormonal. That men don't understand....but You are beyond male or female. 
-Time is supposed to heal, but is it because we are so simple-minded that we forget? Yet every morning you greet me where I am at and You don't change. You continue to be faithful even while I am not.
-Waiting is tough. Especially when you are not exactly sure what you are waiting for. I felt so sure You were leading me/us down a path. That this was a gift. But the gift is pain. I will not deny that You are still God in all this. 
-I do feel forgotten and alone. I have lost the ability to cry out to You. I don't know how. I don't know how to be. I don't want to question You in the sense that I might know better. But I don't want to give up feeling like You are there in the small things or the happy things.
-I feel as if there are many obstacles in my way. Quite often it's people specifically. Like if they don't do what they should, I will be powerless to change my situation. But You are more powerful than any one person or situation. I can't let those be excuses. 
- I do believe that I am still blessed. But I don't want to live in the blessing and deny the pain. People don't want to hear us complain, but it is the pain that connects us to other people. I have no idea how to share the pain or who wants to share it. We are often made to believe that we have to bear these crosses on our own. Jesus did. He also did ask for help, but was ignored by his disciples and had to be ignored by His Father. And those who didn't ignore him could never have understood. Though my pain is so small and insignificant compared to His, he does know our pain. Pain is personal, but not too personal for Jesus.

The Miracle of Him

I still remember the first time that I babysat him. I was about 15 years old. All the kids were in bed. I had finished drawing pictures for the six of them and hiding them in their rooms. The lights were low and all was quiet. I needed to wake him up. He needed medicine at night. So I went to the room he shared with his twin brother and pulled him up out of his crib. I gave him the medicine and held him in the rocking chair.The family had no TV, so I wasn't distracted by anything but him. I just held him. He was so used to being poked and prodded and cared for by many others, so he was content and not scared to be held by yet another person other than his mom. I marvelled at his arms and legs covered in downy hair. An effect of the medicine. I remember feeling so thankful and blessed that I could experience holding him. A true miracle. Putting my hand on his chest and feeling his heart beat. I actually cried, but I don't know if it was out of gratefulness for him or sadness for the other little girl baby who gave her heart to this amazing boy.I prayed for the other family. I'm still emotional as I write this, not realising how much he affected me until June of this year. The phrase from Luke 2:19 speaks to me now. "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." That moment was one of the treasures that I have stored in my heart. For now, this is where I will end. The holiness of that night. The feeling of his weight, his amazing life, in my arms. The miracle of him.

Burdens or Blessings?

In the absence of all the things my heart longs for, You are there

A friend, a sister made up to still the ache, yet, You still care

Hope in love lost, relationships suffered You are in this all

Disappointments and excuses yet You catch me when I fall

The boy I thought would live, power I believed in, You were there

I doubted, but had hope, I was angry and cried "It's not fair!"

In the midst of all, despite of what I may have thought

The burdens I have held on to, and the answers I have sought

YOU ARE THERE

Why can't I just rest in your peace and let go of myself now?

To stop pretending and to stop avoiding the truth, but how?

Times I've been angry and confused, you are like a guiding light

Still then I'm easily tossed by waves and blinded in plain sight

A light house to beckon, to warn, yet I refuse to come home

I think I can master it all and so I sink on my own

The burdens are your blessings and they are calling me to you

I see how weak I really am and commit myself anew

YOU ARE STILL THERE

You will always be there, yes, you are teaching me this each day

How often do I need to learn, to trust, to rest and to stay?

The lonely times,the searching times, and the hopeless times are gifts

They are the times when my whole course in life needs to move, to shift

I trust too often in people that pass, and in life that dies

I trust too often in all of this earth and it's worldly lies

Slowly, I see You through my burdens and life's promise of pain

Only You can turn burdens to blessings, there is much to gain

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, he will not grow tired or weary and His understanding no one can fathom."

Isaiah 40:28 & 29