Exodus 4:10-13 Moses said to the Lord, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” But Moses said, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it.” 

Jeremiah 1:4-6, 8 The word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,before you were born I set you apart;I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” “Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.” Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. 

Writing is my thing. I don't really do so well with talking to people or in many types of relationships. I feel that if I share, others will feel they can share. But it doesn't really work that way. I don't feel comfortable asking people too many questions because I want others to share because they want to and not because I have asked. Yet that makes people feel as if I might not be interested. I have been hurt in the past in certain relationships and so I feel I can't invade someone else's space. But maybe praying in secret, caring for someone in secret can also be seen as giving in secret. Our Father hears. I've not been overly concerned on how I might look to others or what my social web looks like to others. 

What I find most interesting about these scriptures is that so many will say that they don't have a gift for a certain ministry or that they couldn't witness because it is just not comfortable for them. I really believe that we can be called to do anything. Regardless of how we feel or what we know, all  Christ needs is faith and willingness. Our lives are not our own and we are constantly trying to make them our own. Perhaps the things we feel most uncomfortable with actually are the things that we should be doing. Perhaps we should be extremely careful how we answer when we are asked to do something we might not have thought to do ourselves. Try to evaluate everything carefully and be open to the idea that just maybe you are being called to do something you just don't want to do or have the gift or confidence for.

Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;therefore I will wait for him.” 

Lamentations 5:19-22 You, O Lord, reign forever;your throne endures from generation to generation. Why do you always forget us?Why do you forsake us so long? Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return;renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us and are angry with us beyond measure.

- Lord, it feels consuming sometimes. And I feel as if Your compassion is that of human nature, though I know it isn't. My experience with people is that they don't understand and just can't know. Also,that which I am going through is insignificant.That the pain I feel is imagined or hormonal. That men don't understand....but You are beyond male or female. 
-Time is supposed to heal, but is it because we are so simple-minded that we forget? Yet every morning you greet me where I am at and You don't change. You continue to be faithful even while I am not.
-Waiting is tough. Especially when you are not exactly sure what you are waiting for. I felt so sure You were leading me/us down a path. That this was a gift. But the gift is pain. I will not deny that You are still God in all this. 
-I do feel forgotten and alone. I have lost the ability to cry out to You. I don't know how. I don't know how to be. I don't want to question You in the sense that I might know better. But I don't want to give up feeling like You are there in the small things or the happy things.
-I feel as if there are many obstacles in my way. Quite often it's people specifically. Like if they don't do what they should, I will be powerless to change my situation. But You are more powerful than any one person or situation. I can't let those be excuses. 
- I do believe that I am still blessed. But I don't want to live in the blessing and deny the pain. People don't want to hear us complain, but it is the pain that connects us to other people. I have no idea how to share the pain or who wants to share it. We are often made to believe that we have to bear these crosses on our own. Jesus did. He also did ask for help, but was ignored by his disciples and had to be ignored by His Father. And those who didn't ignore him could never have understood. Though my pain is so small and insignificant compared to His, he does know our pain. Pain is personal, but not too personal for Jesus.

The Miracle of Him

I still remember the first time that I babysat him. I was about 15 years old. All the kids were in bed. I had finished drawing pictures for the six of them and hiding them in their rooms. The lights were low and all was quiet. I needed to wake him up. He needed medicine at night. So I went to the room he shared with his twin brother and pulled him up out of his crib. I gave him the medicine and held him in the rocking chair.The family had no TV, so I wasn't distracted by anything but him. I just held him. He was so used to being poked and prodded and cared for by many others, so he was content and not scared to be held by yet another person other than his mom. I marvelled at his arms and legs covered in downy hair. An effect of the medicine. I remember feeling so thankful and blessed that I could experience holding him. A true miracle. Putting my hand on his chest and feeling his heart beat. I actually cried, but I don't know if it was out of gratefulness for him or sadness for the other little girl baby who gave her heart to this amazing boy.I prayed for the other family. I'm still emotional as I write this, not realising how much he affected me until June of this year. The phrase from Luke 2:19 speaks to me now. "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." That moment was one of the treasures that I have stored in my heart. For now, this is where I will end. The holiness of that night. The feeling of his weight, his amazing life, in my arms. The miracle of him.

Burdens or Blessings?

In the absence of all the things my heart longs for, You are there

A friend, a sister made up to still the ache, yet, You still care

Hope in love lost, relationships suffered You are in this all

Disappointments and excuses yet You catch me when I fall

The boy I thought would live, power I believed in, You were there

I doubted, but had hope, I was angry and cried "It's not fair!"

In the midst of all, despite of what I may have thought

The burdens I have held on to, and the answers I have sought

YOU ARE THERE

Why can't I just rest in your peace and let go of myself now?

To stop pretending and to stop avoiding the truth, but how?

Times I've been angry and confused, you are like a guiding light

Still then I'm easily tossed by waves and blinded in plain sight

A light house to beckon, to warn, yet I refuse to come home

I think I can master it all and so I sink on my own

The burdens are your blessings and they are calling me to you

I see how weak I really am and commit myself anew

YOU ARE STILL THERE

You will always be there, yes, you are teaching me this each day

How often do I need to learn, to trust, to rest and to stay?

The lonely times,the searching times, and the hopeless times are gifts

They are the times when my whole course in life needs to move, to shift

I trust too often in people that pass, and in life that dies

I trust too often in all of this earth and it's worldly lies

Slowly, I see You through my burdens and life's promise of pain

Only You can turn burdens to blessings, there is much to gain

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, he will not grow tired or weary and His understanding no one can fathom."

Isaiah 40:28 & 29

Commitment

Late December and early January is probably most depressing for me. Lack of sunlight,  feeling a bit under the weather and feeling a bit overwhelmed at the close of another year are contributing factors to this mild depression. In my case I struggle with a lack Sonlight as well. I can't entirely trust my thoughts and feelings and so I have also been avoiding my blog. Then I feel like I'm cheating somehow but not writing these struggles on my blog. I am entirely human. Obviously.  A lot of people tend to think that when you have Christ, the struggle ends. I have to constantly remind myself to take baby steps though. I have found many times to be thankful, many times to laugh and many times to enjoy this Christmas. But I do get far more contemplative and my thoughts and feelings are more unreliable at this time of the year. Sometimes feelings help and sometimes they hinder a relationship or my faith. Sometimes I just need to remember my commitment to my husband or to Christ. We shouldn't rely on our feelings to produce worship nor worship to always produce feelings. I have been avoiding my blog and perhaps my relationship with Christ too. Sometimes I avoid issues with my husband too. I float along on what works and I float along on certain feelings, but my feelings are not reliable, right? I am scared when I read in the Bible and it says someones heart was hardened. I don't think it's fair...it scares me. But then I find my own heart hardened. My motives aren't always pure. The things I fail at are the things that I don't put into my spiritual journey. Absolutely everything should fit in, but I don't always want it to. I have many temptations that plague me, one deals with food at the moment. But my motivation for losing weight right now is earthly and not spiritual. I need to pray to change my mindset, but I don't know if I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can buy cute clothes, so that I can look attractive, and so that I can fit in. In reality, if those are my motivations, then I know I am set up for failure. Maybe not right away, maybe in two years, but I will fail. My need to be thinner is superficial right now. Superficial will not last. I need to commit everything to Christ. Even those things that seem silly, like my procrastination with laundry. I will fail unless I commit it to the Lord.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

Babel

Life is confusing...especially if we trust only ourselves...

Babel

Let's build a high tower to proclaim our great fame
Let's build a tower and make for ourselves a name
Higher than the mountains, up past the clouds
Something so glorious, it will draw crowds
They will see what we can do and be amazed
They will see the bricks with our hands we have raised
Yes, we will be great and we will be strong
Our great fame will spread through stories and songs
The plans of these men so lofty and proud
A tower of fame reaching past the clouds
A rumble of laughter mistaken for thunder
As those plans will soon enough be thrust asunder

The world continues to build arrogant towers
With bricks that are fashioned in proud human powers
We turn our blind eyes to the scars of a Son
When we proclaim our fame and declare what we've done
We laugh at the the story and make fun of their songs
And vainly forget that we too, try to be strong
Such towers are built each day in our name
With the bricks we have fashioned, we are the same
Our plans and our pride as we build arrogant towers
Only cause Him to laugh as we trust our own powers
Our efforts and wisdom are foolish and weak
It's only through Him, we will find what we seek

Hands

It's still a mystery to me
That the hands of God could be so small,
How tiny fingers reaching in the night
Were the very hands that measured the sky

Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King,
You're here with us
You're here with us

Verse 2
It's still a mystery to me, oh,
How His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time
How His ears have heard an angel's symphony,
But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep

These are some words that struck a chord with me today. I heard the song for the first time today on the radio. I had to hold myself in not to cry too much before heading off to do some grocery shopping. The song was performed by Joy Williams.

I had an image of Reuben's small hands flash through my mind. Then I thought of those hands being pierced with big ugly nails, my baby's own hands, beautiful hands. I wanted to cry. Jesus was once a baby. I believe it and yet the image was made more clear to me today. Mary rocked her baby to sleep. Then I think, well, Mary was special. But no, she was blessed. Now these verses come to mind....Matthew 25:37-40 "Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.' I love the story of Jesus coming to earth, but sometimes we have a tendency to forget this story is very real today as well, that He is living. He became flesh. Human. A baby. "That was me- you did that to me." It's not good will to people because it's Christmas and it's a good thing to do. It's loving Jesus, humans, flesh. Hands and feet. Ugly scars. Outcast. Those beautiful babies that grow and experience pain. They are Jesus. I hold my own children, but they aren't really mine. They are easy to love at times. Harder other times. There are more babies born in mangers. They are Jesus. More outcasts ignored. We are Mary and Joseph loving the baby in the manger.