What a Week!

When reading the Bible I am sometimes confronted with something I need to work on. I feel guilty, but I also feel good to know that God is still speaking to me. I have to take the time to listen and I have to humble myself into accepting discipline. We have all had different experiences growing up. Growing up with a lot of friends who lived on a farm, the word "shit" was not so bad for example. And growing up in my family, the dutch swears were much worse than some of the english swears. I have a tendency to say the "f" word. I tend to justify it by the situation. I am asking God to work through me and He is answering by showing me what I need to work on. Preparing my heart. So this week I made a cake and it fell over in my oven. Batter everywhere. The batter even seeped down into the oven drawer underneath. That night I cooked red cabbage without putting water in the pan...I thought I smelled something burning...must be the cake from earlier..."Mom, what's that smell?"...phone rings...kids need me...Burnt red cabbage does not smell too good. The next day I drove the truck into Lacombe and hit the back side of the truck into a metal post...big dent. Then while getting chicken out of the freezer for supper I somehow managed to drop a piece behind the big, impossible to move chest and now I have to ask my husband to help me somehow get the piece of chicken before it thaws and stinks up the garage. To top it all off, I am also becoming quite efficient at using a plunger. The toilet has been plugged and has overflowed three times this week. Apple cores, while biodegradable, do take their time to break down. I am not making these situations up either to make a point...ask my husband. It has been a humbling week. I am not saying that God sent these situations my way to teach me a lesson, I'm pretty good at making a mess myself. I do however know that through reading my Bible and praying to be made Holy, God will teach us and confront us. So this morning I read "Therefore be clear minded and self controlled so that you can pray." 1Peter 4:7b  In the first two situations I used the "f" word. It really didn't help. It's not a word I want my kids to pick up. I don't think I'll be less clumsy in the future. I may still use the word in moments of thoughtlessness. I need to clear my mind, stop justifying the wrong that I do and practice self control. And I read on... "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."    
1 Peter 4:11

Judgements

We all judge others whether we are Christians or not. I saw a young man walk into McDonald's today with jeans on and paint covering every centimeter of his jeans. Hmmm, hard worker, why doesn't he wear coveralls? He had tattoos covering his arms like sleeves and the word "hope" on his fingers. Interesting. I wonder what all his tattoos say and why he got them. I could see other people noticing him. He placed his tray down on the table and then proceeded to pray; to thank God for his food. Something I forgot to do for my fast food meal. Then I thought, he does have a kind face. There is hope in his eyes. I can't claim to know his heart now, but God does. And it isn't important what I think. None of us can claim that we never judge another person. Yet, as Jesus' love shines through us, we find it easier to move past what we see with our limited vision. We are called only to love, not to judge. I think we need to ask Christ daily to be with us in every interaction with anybody who crosses our path. I personally probably have a harder time with other people than I actually did have with the young man I saw today, but he did get me thinking. What kinds of people am I hard on and how do I try to justify myself? 
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting". Psalm 139:23&24

Regeneration

In continuing with the poems for Sunday.....a poem about the Flood.

Regeneration

The skies clouded over, the sun was blocked out

Regeneration in an overlooked drought

It began with one drop of pure clean water

It fell like bullets on goats to the slaughter

The goats mocked and laughed in their bullet proof vests

And didn’t realize they only covered their chests

A sliver of light still peeked through the clouds

It fell upon just one amongst the crowds

This chosen man amidst dead ones walking

This chosen man amidst dead ones talking

The dead ones continued to live their dead lives

They continued to rub as useless dull knives

Just one man had a strange dream of a boat

And of the great waters on which it would float

The dead ones mocked him for there were no waters

The dead ones laughed at his sons and the daughters

While he built such a vessel on the dry cracked earth

The dead ones taunted and jeered and continued in mirth

To have the earth filled with these dry cracked vessels

The God of heaven with such grief did wrestle

He would wash it all away and start anew

He would use the only man who had stayed true

So amidst the mocking, jeering crowds

The water began to soak into clouds

There was an urgent whisper heard in a breeze

There was a murmur, a rustling in the tall trees

A pair of bluebirds called to a doe and a buck

A lion, a lioness and two mallard ducks

An elephant couple, a bee and it’s mate

Strangely compelled to join together and wait

The great captain came down to close the boat’s doors

He opened the floodgates and let the rains pour

His tears intermingled with drops as they fell

The ones on earth realized all was not well

The anger, the screams, the evil, blocked out

Regeneration in an overlooked drought

Laughter

I think we often get so caught in the business of faith that we forget the laughter. Laughter is good. I worry so much about the lessons I might need to learn from the pain in my life that I forget that God can teach us in laughter. I do believe that in the absence of the stuff we fill our lives with, God can speak. God can use a self-help book, but we don't need self-help books. God can speak to us throughout all of life and He can heal us through ways that might seem odd to us. Laughter can help us through our insecurities. Silliness can help us in humbling us. Joy can show us that our worries are temporary. I have a hard time imagining Jesus laughing for some reason. Maybe because we are often told to be serious, to be quiet and to listen so that we can learn. I know that holiness is serious stuff, but the way that we are made holy may not always be done in such a serious way at times. Jesus must have laughed at times.

 I can remember a time when I must have been in about grade eight or so and this image has stayed with me and brought me laughter. Would Jesus have laughed? A boy named Trevor was in about grade one and it was milk day at school. He was actually leaving at the end of the day and he hadn't finished his carton of milk quite yet. His backpack was sliding off and with a shrug of the shoulder he could move it back up, only he hadn't thought of the chocolate milk he was still holding in his hand. Well, with a shrug of the shoulder he managed to dump chocolate milk on his head. He looked quite shocked. I wonder now too what his mom must have thought when he came home that day and what he told her. It was something that bonded me to him and he doesn't even know. I see humour in it because I know I or one of my children could have done the same thing. 
Another story I often tell my children is one about the time yawned and hiccuped at the same time during a test in grade five. (it was loud!) I still laugh and I still act it out for those who ask.  We can't take ourselves too seriously all the time. We can learn in laughter as well as pain. It is also the joy that often draws others to us.

Psalm 126:2- Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”

Practice

I had a thought come to me about how my daughters practice piano. There are days when they really don't want to practice. Lately though I've been seeing a world open up for Davita. Jenaya must have gone through that too....but I see it more clearly in Davita right now. She is discovering that working through her piano is really getting her somewhere.The songs are sounding better and more impressive.She is playing the same notes, but she is really getting to know how to read her music and she is discovering so many different combinations and possibilities. She memorizes pieces and then forgets some pieces, but she is progressing. I realized today too that I am reading my Bible in much the same way that she practices her piano There are days when I don't feel like it. There are times I don't feel like I'm getting a whole lot out of it and that it's stuff I know already. Why are we going so slow? Why can't I play the song already?  But the more I practice, the more I realize how much more there is. The more I practice the more I love what I am learning. I don't even have to worry so much about what I've memorized and forgotten, because I tend to do that. I am discovering now that I can pick up my Bible and it is getting easier to read, to play, to see. I imagine God watching me practice like I watch Davita practice. It feels good, because despite the mistakes Davita makes, I love seeing the way she gets better every day and the love that is growing in her heart for something she is working at. 

And I love that picture of God watching me practice.

My Brother's Keeper

Before I share this poem I thought I'd let you know that in my prayer tonight I asked God to keep me from getting distracted and to keep me from some sins I struggle with...then I read the passage that this poem is based on and read this: "But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." We cannot be passive in our fight against sin, it is always right there. We can't be ignorant of the fact that we struggle with sin. We need to work at fighting our weaknesses. We must master our desires. We can't just ask God to forgive us and help us and leave it at that...there is more involved on our side of things. I'm not saying we need to work to save ourselves because I know we can't work our own way into salvation...but in any relationship, we do need to do our part. Forgive me Lord for forgetting this sometimes.

My Brother's Keeper

He gave from his heart, this son of the first

His brother looked from a distance and cursed

Each day he gave with love, the best of what he had

From a distance, his brother still watched, mad

Malice, envy and feelings of hate

Drew but closer, the young man's fate

"Come, let's take a walk, my brother, my friend."

Closer still the innocent young man's end

And so in a grassy field he was killed

By his own brother who was envy filled

This was near the beginning of time

The first of murderous crimes

And then a voice called from somewhere above

A voice questioning such a betrayed love

Where is your brother, where is he, my son?

The one below could not hide nor run

So with nowhere to go, only deeper

Asked, "Am I my brother's keeper?"

You have killed him, he had done nothing wrong

You've kept this jealousy in you too long

I'm sending you out to live on your own

For you have let you heart harden to stone

So with nowhere to go, but deeper

Asked, "Am I my brother's keeper?"

At First Sight

I watched a movie tonight about a man who was born sighted, went blind at the age of one, regained sight for a brief period at about thirty-something and then went blind again. When he regained his sight he had to relearn everything differently. He needed to associate what he saw with a word or a thought rather than what he felt or touched. He saw a cheese grater, but he called it a measuring cup until he touched it. He once was blind, but then he saw, but it didn't make sense. Then he had to deal with once again losing all his sight. 

I know as christians we are told that once we were blind in sin, but then we see once all the sin is washed away. I really don't see a whole lot and I don't think my sight is fully restored. I think we are all blind and some of us are just following or fumbling around in the wrong direction. Us blind christians who are following in the right direction still walk into a wall or stumble sometimes.The sin is washed away, true, but we are still left in bodies that are human; that are dead vessels. We may see glimpses in our life of something better, but we can't fully understand  it. We need to embrace being blind. Of seeing only a part of a bigger picture. 

Later, the man in the movie asked if what he was seeing was real or not real. Was that a kiss, or was it something else? A kiss of love as opposed to a kiss of friendship. Life is confusing and we have limited vision. We as christians can't claim to have answers, we are blind, but we are asking to be lead. We are fixing our eyes on what is unseen and embracing the blindness, finding joy and confidence in the blindness. We will not be afraid. How can we not be afraid? We are following someone who is not blind but has tasted blindness. We are being renewed day by day. 

Another scene in the movie deals with this blind man asking his sister why she is looking away when all he wants to do is look her in the eyes. He doesn't understand why she can't look at him. I have a hard time myself looking at any human in the face for an extended period of time, I can't imagine facing God.  He looks at us so deeply, we can't return that gaze. God sees things he doesn't want to see, but he still looks. We can feel the outline of his love, but we can't look at him. He is still unseen. We are blind, not sighted.

Noble Character

Jenaya at the age of nine possesses a spirit not yet so jaded by the world. While I often have thoughts of the realities of suffering, fear of what could become of the ones I love, worries of what others think, doubts of what my motives really are; Jenaya's worries haven't quite developed into the doubts and worries that I take on. The answer for me of course is to pray and to read the Bible, but I often do that after worrying for a little while. I need to stop thinking of myself on my terms, but seeing myself through God's eyes.

 So last night when Jenaya was really excited for me to read the last chapter of Proverbs at the supper table which talks of a wife of noble character, I felt ashamed right away. She had come across the chapter herself and felt strongly that I needed to hear it. My husband read it in front of our whole family. the woman described in there is a woman I feel I can't measure up to, nor do I always want to be like her. "She is clothed with strength and dignity.." "She gets up while it is still dark." (I am not a morning person!) "She works with eager hands" ( I do not always enjoy putting laundry away-nope not eager.) "She extends her hands to the needy" (I'd like to, but I feel tired, and overwhelmed by other stuff.) "When it snows, she has no fear for her household." ( Really? It snowed there? Well, I fear for my household...are they safe?) I was called blessed that night by Jenaya. I could see it in her eyes.I didn't have the heart to tell her that the woman there couldn't possibly be me. Nor did I want to tell her that I wasn't sure if I even wanted to work that hard. But what I am striving for is to fear the Lord and such a woman is to be praised. Perhaps I like to hide in my weaknesses. To tell myself that I could never be like that so that I don't have to try. Jenaya sees a hint of that woman in Proverbs in me, so why can't I see it? God wants us to be confident and strong as well as humble. God wants to raise us up and not have us wallow in our inadequacies. I understand that I am nothing. I understand that I am weak, that it is only through Christ that I am able. To give God all the glory. But I must also realize that I cannot claim weakness as my excuse. Nor look down on myself and be ashamed. I cannot be effective if I am not clothed with strength and dignity.

The Fall

I used to write a lot of poetry. I think I'll make it my goal on Sundays to revisit an old poem I wrote or write a new one. Unless, of course, I feel called to write something else. I wrote many poems going through some familiar Bible stories and it has inspired me to read my Bible and write more.

The Fall

One scheming mind in a perfect place
Among the holy, one dark face
In a garden below of perfect peace
Two relish in the sight of their lease
All the fruit of the garden is luscious and sweet
But of two trees they cannot eat

One scheming mind in a perfect place
Among the holy, one dark face
He slithers slowly into the tree
With one bite you will know all, all will you see
Passing on the fruit so sweet
The snake triumphed in his defeat

One scheming mind in a perfect place
Among the holy, one dark face
Some truth to the lie of knowing all
Death and pain were known in the fall
Feelings of envy, hatred and malice
No longer pure but cold and callous

One scheming mind in a perfect place
Among the holy, one dark face



The Woman On The Train

I once saw an elderly woman on a train and the image of her crying is one I still carry with me after fourteen years. Her hair was whitish grey and hanging loose. She had a large coat on. She said the words "Ik kan het niet meer." (I can't do it any longer.) I still remember wanting to go over to sit with her and put my arm around her. But I didn't. I wonder how many of us on that train were seeing her but pretending not to. Hearing her but minding our own business. I will make excuses now and say that I probably wasn't old enough to sit with her- I couldn't possibly understand what she at her age had been through. Or maybe she was mentally unstable, dangerous, drunk...My language skills weren't good enough. My faith was weak. I would have to get off the train soon. I still imagine myself going to her and sitting with her. Caring without action isn't really caring. She is someone I carry with me not only because I regret not helping her, but also because I need to remember what it feels like now to have done nothing. I pray for her now and others like her. Help me to see, Lord and not be blind. Forgive me, Lord and don't let my doubts and rationalizations get in the way of your guidance and the love that we are called to share.

Burning Bush

As a kid I believed that I could lay a piece of cotton cloth out on the grass in the park across the street and that I could pray to God and He would either make the ground wet and the cloth dry or He would make the cloth wet and the ground dry like Gideon did when he asked God to be more clear with him in the book of Judges. I don't know if I asked God for anything that day, but I believed in His power and I wanted to see it. A few years back I often asked God to show me His way by giving me some sort of a burning bush. Moses got one. And yet when Moses recieved the sign of a burning bush in His life and was then asked to lead God's people, Moses still questioned God and wondered how he could prove that it was God who had told him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. I didn't think I would even need to question God, if I got that burning bush. I am constantly wondering if God is really leading me and if I really am making the right decisions. I still want some sort of a sign that the direction that I am going in is the right one. "God, if you want me to adopt, have my husband say the name of this child who I've come across while looking on the internet..." Lord, if I really do have to take my kid in to the hospital this time, just get her to cough right now..." But when that which I've asked for comes, like my kid does cough, I say instead; "Make that three coughs in five minutes." I think I'm moving past this now, but a part of me still wants a miracle of some sort to know that I am on the right track.  I know that what I was asking God was not right and yet I also know that God has the power to do all these things. I thought with my limited understanding that God could perform for me to show me His love and guidance. I could not grasp the love that He actually had for me. Nor could I understand that the miracles that He performs are beyond my wildest imaginings and that they are there at just the right time for just the right purpose. I still have no clue of the love He has, I can only relate it to the limited things that I know; my experiences, what I've read. I have a hard time realizing how patient He is for me to figure it all out. How loving He is to answer all my questions. I am afraid to wait. Afraid to rest in Him. To follow, rather than to demand a solution or a miracle.

Alien

¹³ All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. ¹⁴ People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. ¹⁵ If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. ¹⁶ Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one.

Hebrews11:13-16a

I have always liked Hebrews 11, but never noticed these verses before until today. And so my thoughts went to how I've always felt like somewhat of an alien. My extended family lives in Holland and so I've always felt a chunk of my heart lies there. I've also been to various cities in Europe and I've been to Nigeria. Every place I've been to has become a part of me and I want to go back and experience at least some small part of something there again. I always leave with the thought that I'd like to return to all of these places. But when I am somewhere else, I miss the beautiful skies and people of Canada.

 I have also always had this alien feeling at Christmas. I am discontent or something. I don't look forward to this time of the year and I dread it in November already. I've been feeling guilty for these feelings too. But when I read this verse today I felt I could tie some of my feelings together. I feel like an alien following the traditions of another country. While Christmas can be beautiful, I do not wish for it to last too long. I am grateful. I do feel joy in seeing others happy. I am happy for the remembrance of Jesus coming down to earth. Yet I often feel lonely at Christmas, maybe sad or I am hungering for something not possible here at this time. I do try my best for the ones I love, but truthfully I think I have been blessed not to have had the feeling of contentment at Christmas myself.  I am not saying this so that others feel guilty for loving Christmas. I want my children to experience the excitement of the many different  joys of the Christmas season we celebrate. But I also want them to hunger.
On my personal journey I feel God has shown me a part of what I need to learn about Him. My soul hungers for something invisible and I feel this more acutely when the westernized society we live in, tries to create an idyllic Christmas. There are children in orphanages, people on the streets and lonely men and women sitting behind computer screens with a sadness in their soul that we can't fathom. I can't feel that what we have here is what Christ calls us to do in remembrance of His birth. He has blessed many of us with so much and I do enjoy this, but I have an ache of something alien that can't be healed just yet. But for me this is a good thing. Something I am thankful for now, today.

Open Heart

How do you keep your heart open and not feel such deep pain at some of the things you hear or see?  At times I feel so overwhelmed by all I want to do and all that I want to change for God. But there is a problem in this- me asking God what I can do for Him rather than allowing God to take control and asking Him to work through me. I have control issues, but I discovered recently again that it sure is nice flying in an airplane without those control issues overwhelming me...and it's not the pilot of the plane that I believe in, so much more, all of a sudden. It's not like I met the guy, and yet, I let him take me thousands of feet into the air above mountains, concrete, trees, water- all unpleasant things to crash into from a few thousand feet up, by the way...I still have this horrible imagination and I think about the landing wheels getting stuck or what the emergency slide looks like with all of us sliding off into shark infested waters...don't even get me started on the movie "Alive" it took a few years before I stopped wondering which passenger we would be eating first while flying over the mountains. I am still afraid. I am still human. I am still horribly selfish. But I don't carry my own load unless my control issues get in the way. (and they actually still do quite often.) I read this tonight in Hebrews10:35 "So do not throw away your conifidence; it will be richly rewarded." I write this also because I was afraid that me writng would be some sort of self glorification, but it's not, it's just a sharing of where my confidence lies. I am trying to be real and open up my heart. I am not so overwhelmed anymore and I'm feeling that maybe I actually might be following His leading.

First Blog

I don't really know yet in which direction this blog should go. What do you say in your first blog post and what will it look like? A song that often plays in my head is one by Addison Road and it's called "What Do I know of Holy?"

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

Today I will leave these words with you as I think on what to write about in future blog posts.