Sometimes it is not in your own strength to create peace/quiet. Sometimes you have to seek the quiet in the chaos. It seems this would be impossible but it’s in the breath prayer, in one word uttered, one sight that creates awe or reverence. One image. A Sound. Something that is not wasted on you. The quick passing of a hummingbird. The sight of one drop creating a ripple effect in a puddle. The image of a tree filled with apple blossoms. A grasshopper. The sight of one small hand. Overhearing a conversation between five year olds while watching a soccer game. These were not lost one you. Wonderment, awe, amazement is all around you. God is in the whisper as well as the thunder. He is in the second as He is in the hour or day. One seems to have more significance than the other by how we try to measure with some false sense of security. A moment or a sound  or a life does not have more meaning because of some scale we have created, but simply because it is. And it is given to us to acknowledge and to hold sacred in awe and reverence.
I write this to remind myself. Sometimes I forget to see Him.

Cause me to remember oh Lord

To take these moments as photographs 

To pause, to reflect, to enjoy.....

OCD

I watched a mini documentary on OCD. I realize this is a mental disorder not to be taken lightly. I feel there are answers and comfort to be found in Christ. I also know there is a lot of hard work to be done on the part of the individual to get to certain goals while battling this disorder. I can catch a glimpse of obsessive  compulsive disorder in my life...I can empathize somewhat because I have created images in my brain of my children falling into Maligne Canyon in Jasper or other images I don't even feel comfortable to mention. I have felt a tiny fragment of the panic and if I were a fully into this disorder I realize how debilitating it could get. I understand some of the wishes and fantasies that these people need to create in order to cope. ( I don't really understand how you can fight anything without Christ...the permanency  of the solutions wouldn't seem to be there for me.) So I have thought this through. Yet we really need to have this OCD when laying everything at His feet. I can't stress this enough. We humans tend to wander. We are not robots. We get distracted constantly. People in ministry for years, missionaries and great leaders can fall as easily as you and I when they don't commit each day to Christ. So my stop list from the other day...it's not just a list you make once and forget about, it is continual. It's obsessive. -Lord if you just do this, I'll know.STOP. -What if this happens, Lord? STOP. -What if I can't? STOP. -What is she going to think? STOP. -If I buy this I'll feel ready. STOP. -But...STOP. 

Pray. Listen. Wait. ( and by listening I mean- read through the Bible as well ...let Him give you a thought or a word and find it in the Bible or find a word and see where He takes you. Ask for the Holy Spirit.) It's about giving God control.

Stop

I made this list a little while ago. I share it now as a challenge...as a way to work towards flipping switches in your life. Remember to continue to ask for help - God has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit. Reflect, listen, pray, wait and listen some more....just be. God has a way of becoming more real if you just continue to lay everything at His feet. For me this is as needed as breathing. Sometimes I picture a stop sign and I picture God smiling as I remind myself ,with each breath I take -each second even; to stop another 'if , and, or, but,' that I am tempted to make before Him...He says "Just stop." He is patient. He will listen to you.
I want to be silent before you O God. To listen. To stop.
- to stop inventing scenarios
- to stop assuming - to stop consuming
- to stop wanting any type of control
- to stop feeling without action
- to stop action without feeling
- to stop looking for answers  - to stop looking for mentors
- to stop filling time with noise
- to stop meeting all human expectations
- to stop wanting to do everything (save the world)
- to stop being overwhelmed
- to stop doing nothing
- stop worrying
- stop thinking of possible outcomes
- to stop and listen
- to stop and pray
- to stop and feel
- to stop and know
- to stop and be in awe
- to stop dreaming
- to stop being so aware
- to stop being surprised that He will meet me
- to stop being impatient
- to stop confusing patience with indifference
- to stop worrying about where anyone else stands with God
- to stop making plans
- to stop trying to figure out what people think of me
- to stop wanting people to think of me a certain way
- to stop being lost
- to stop needing to be found
- stop being alone ( a cloud surrounds you)
- to stop dwelling in one place
- to stop being discontent in one place

Flip the Switch

A light switch is such an amazing thing really,- so simple and yet so amazing. When my brother would be home on furlough from living in a third world country in years past he would exclaim loudly each time he flipped a switch and a light came on. We westerners took that simple act for granted but we never had to wonder if it would actually work. And then to take for granted how much that light is needed. Like when you forget to turn on a light while reading and it slowly gets darker inside the house with the sun setting. When you finally turn on the light, you can hardly believe the change and wonder how you were actually reading in the dark.

 I flipped a switch recently in my life and wondered how I had lived it before turning on that light. Some might argue that the Holy Spirit flipped the switch...but I think I flipped it and he made the actual connection. Then, rather than having that light suddenly go out like often was the case in that third world country where my brother worked, I have this type of body guard helping me keep that light on. It's funny to me that one simple thing I learned recently can be so life changing and yet so basic. I think we expect things to be more profound sometimes and then we are surprised and amazed by how simple certain truths in the gospel are once we really catch on. But like in a third world country, sometimes we do have to wait a little longer for that connection to be made. We  also have to be willing to flip the switch. Shedding light on certain rooms isn't always fun -some rooms are pretty messy and you may realize there is quite a bit of work to be done. But getting through a room also brings a sense of accomplishment and peace and it's great when you have a couple of helpers who are always ready when the light does finally come on. 

Desert to Dessert

As a kid I often confused writing the word dessert with desert. Though I do believe people who are lost in the desert would definitely be longing for some type of dessert after a while.

I know it has been far too long since I've last written. I was in a desert of some sort -and I can see why I have been in the desert. I can see the slow guidance- I needed to continue walking. Elijah, John the Baptist and Jesus spent time in the desert as well (among others I'm sure) -the desert is not a bad place to be. 

   "If you can still place your trust in Him even when you feel forsaken, that is a measure of your love. To do so, despite having no sense of His presence, is proof that you trust God's will, because you continue to pray even when you receive no obvious benefit. To pray at such times shows an intent to please God and not ourselves. and when His nearness steals over us, we shall know it stems from His grace, not our will. " Cardinal Basil Hume. 

  I know that genuine feeling and emotion were lacking from my spiritual life for a time, but I continued to trust that He is real. I continued to teach my children His ways and I continued going to church and such. He transforms us in different ways. We cannot rely on feelings when  it comes to our faith. ( This is a comfort to me being a hormonal woman -I don't always trust my feelings.) Grace is not just a feeling you get when you are saved. Grace is much more powerful than that. I guess grace is like the dessert you could be assured of receiving while in your spiritual desert. Keeping your eyes fixed on just that will make even the driest desert bearable. 

The Lord Will Guide You Always

Isaiah 58:9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,quit blaming victims,quit gossiping about other people’s sins,If you are generous with the hungryand start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.I will always show you where to go.I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—firm muscles, strong bones.You’ll be like a well-watered garden,a gurgling spring that never runs dry.You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,rebuild the foundations from out of your past.You’ll be known as those who can fix anything,restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,make the community livable again. 

I have once been given this verse by a church while I was on a Summer Workshop in Ministry team. I continue  to claim this verse as one of my own. The actual verse I received was Isaiah 58:11. I first heard it in the NIV, but now reading it in The Message is pretty amazing. Lord, help me to get rid of unfair practices. Help me to see when I am blaming the victims. I pray that I am very careful in how I talk about others. May I be generous, may I glow and shine. I would like to live life to the fullest but only in His fullness! I want firm muscles and strong bones of someone who continues to grow. Not remain as a baby or whither with age in my spiritual life. I have always liked the sound of the water running, may I have that in my life. Help me to continue to build up from the neglected rubble of the past. 

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am”. ― John Newton

2 Corinthians 3:4-5 We have this kind of confidence toward God through Christ. It is not that we are competent in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our competence is from God. 

The quote from John Newton is really a very good one. I often feel I make such slow progress, but yet there is progress. This progress is only possible through Christ and my willingness. It's like a continuation of what I was saying in the previous post, but I hadn't really planned on continuing with the last post. It really is amazing how God works and the lessons he brings to us. Again I have to say that what we want or think we want or think we are capable of may not be what God has in mind for us. 
But really I am finding that I am not really competent in anything and that the minute I do feel a sense of pride or accomplishment apart from His grace I will be humbled and I will discover how incompetent I really am. 
So, yes, I am excited to admit I cannot do anything and yet I can do everything.! I am happy to say that I am weak even though I am strong. I have known this to be true but to actually feel that it is true is something I am thankful for right now.
 In the past I have felt frustrated with the weakness I've seen in myself, but today I really feel that I am learning what it is to rejoice in my weaknesses and to live in His strength. It is only then when He can use me. Only then when I know I am putting myself aside so that His glory can shine through me. 
I do know that I will need a lot more humbling work within my life, (not something I thoroughly enjoy) but it is better to be doing something we are not feeling confident in as it is only then that we are sure of where our strength truly comes from. It is better not to be in control and to be asking God continually how we are to move forward, right?

Exodus 4:10-13 Moses said to the Lord, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” But Moses said, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it.” 

Jeremiah 1:4-6, 8 The word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,before you were born I set you apart;I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” “Ah, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.” Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. 

Writing is my thing. I don't really do so well with talking to people or in many types of relationships. I feel that if I share, others will feel they can share. But it doesn't really work that way. I don't feel comfortable asking people too many questions because I want others to share because they want to and not because I have asked. Yet that makes people feel as if I might not be interested. I have been hurt in the past in certain relationships and so I feel I can't invade someone else's space. But maybe praying in secret, caring for someone in secret can also be seen as giving in secret. Our Father hears. I've not been overly concerned on how I might look to others or what my social web looks like to others. 

What I find most interesting about these scriptures is that so many will say that they don't have a gift for a certain ministry or that they couldn't witness because it is just not comfortable for them. I really believe that we can be called to do anything. Regardless of how we feel or what we know, all  Christ needs is faith and willingness. Our lives are not our own and we are constantly trying to make them our own. Perhaps the things we feel most uncomfortable with actually are the things that we should be doing. Perhaps we should be extremely careful how we answer when we are asked to do something we might not have thought to do ourselves. Try to evaluate everything carefully and be open to the idea that just maybe you are being called to do something you just don't want to do or have the gift or confidence for.

Lamentations 3:22-24 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;therefore I will wait for him.” 

Lamentations 5:19-22 You, O Lord, reign forever;your throne endures from generation to generation. Why do you always forget us?Why do you forsake us so long? Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return;renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us and are angry with us beyond measure.

- Lord, it feels consuming sometimes. And I feel as if Your compassion is that of human nature, though I know it isn't. My experience with people is that they don't understand and just can't know. Also,that which I am going through is insignificant.That the pain I feel is imagined or hormonal. That men don't understand....but You are beyond male or female. 
-Time is supposed to heal, but is it because we are so simple-minded that we forget? Yet every morning you greet me where I am at and You don't change. You continue to be faithful even while I am not.
-Waiting is tough. Especially when you are not exactly sure what you are waiting for. I felt so sure You were leading me/us down a path. That this was a gift. But the gift is pain. I will not deny that You are still God in all this. 
-I do feel forgotten and alone. I have lost the ability to cry out to You. I don't know how. I don't know how to be. I don't want to question You in the sense that I might know better. But I don't want to give up feeling like You are there in the small things or the happy things.
-I feel as if there are many obstacles in my way. Quite often it's people specifically. Like if they don't do what they should, I will be powerless to change my situation. But You are more powerful than any one person or situation. I can't let those be excuses. 
- I do believe that I am still blessed. But I don't want to live in the blessing and deny the pain. People don't want to hear us complain, but it is the pain that connects us to other people. I have no idea how to share the pain or who wants to share it. We are often made to believe that we have to bear these crosses on our own. Jesus did. He also did ask for help, but was ignored by his disciples and had to be ignored by His Father. And those who didn't ignore him could never have understood. Though my pain is so small and insignificant compared to His, he does know our pain. Pain is personal, but not too personal for Jesus.

The Miracle of Him

I still remember the first time that I babysat him. I was about 15 years old. All the kids were in bed. I had finished drawing pictures for the six of them and hiding them in their rooms. The lights were low and all was quiet. I needed to wake him up. He needed medicine at night. So I went to the room he shared with his twin brother and pulled him up out of his crib. I gave him the medicine and held him in the rocking chair.The family had no TV, so I wasn't distracted by anything but him. I just held him. He was so used to being poked and prodded and cared for by many others, so he was content and not scared to be held by yet another person other than his mom. I marvelled at his arms and legs covered in downy hair. An effect of the medicine. I remember feeling so thankful and blessed that I could experience holding him. A true miracle. Putting my hand on his chest and feeling his heart beat. I actually cried, but I don't know if it was out of gratefulness for him or sadness for the other little girl baby who gave her heart to this amazing boy.I prayed for the other family. I'm still emotional as I write this, not realising how much he affected me until June of this year. The phrase from Luke 2:19 speaks to me now. "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." That moment was one of the treasures that I have stored in my heart. For now, this is where I will end. The holiness of that night. The feeling of his weight, his amazing life, in my arms. The miracle of him.

Burdens or Blessings?

In the absence of all the things my heart longs for, You are there

A friend, a sister made up to still the ache, yet, You still care

Hope in love lost, relationships suffered You are in this all

Disappointments and excuses yet You catch me when I fall

The boy I thought would live, power I believed in, You were there

I doubted, but had hope, I was angry and cried "It's not fair!"

In the midst of all, despite of what I may have thought

The burdens I have held on to, and the answers I have sought

YOU ARE THERE

Why can't I just rest in your peace and let go of myself now?

To stop pretending and to stop avoiding the truth, but how?

Times I've been angry and confused, you are like a guiding light

Still then I'm easily tossed by waves and blinded in plain sight

A light house to beckon, to warn, yet I refuse to come home

I think I can master it all and so I sink on my own

The burdens are your blessings and they are calling me to you

I see how weak I really am and commit myself anew

YOU ARE STILL THERE

You will always be there, yes, you are teaching me this each day

How often do I need to learn, to trust, to rest and to stay?

The lonely times,the searching times, and the hopeless times are gifts

They are the times when my whole course in life needs to move, to shift

I trust too often in people that pass, and in life that dies

I trust too often in all of this earth and it's worldly lies

Slowly, I see You through my burdens and life's promise of pain

Only You can turn burdens to blessings, there is much to gain

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THERE

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, he will not grow tired or weary and His understanding no one can fathom."

Isaiah 40:28 & 29

Commitment

Late December and early January is probably most depressing for me. Lack of sunlight,  feeling a bit under the weather and feeling a bit overwhelmed at the close of another year are contributing factors to this mild depression. In my case I struggle with a lack Sonlight as well. I can't entirely trust my thoughts and feelings and so I have also been avoiding my blog. Then I feel like I'm cheating somehow but not writing these struggles on my blog. I am entirely human. Obviously.  A lot of people tend to think that when you have Christ, the struggle ends. I have to constantly remind myself to take baby steps though. I have found many times to be thankful, many times to laugh and many times to enjoy this Christmas. But I do get far more contemplative and my thoughts and feelings are more unreliable at this time of the year. Sometimes feelings help and sometimes they hinder a relationship or my faith. Sometimes I just need to remember my commitment to my husband or to Christ. We shouldn't rely on our feelings to produce worship nor worship to always produce feelings. I have been avoiding my blog and perhaps my relationship with Christ too. Sometimes I avoid issues with my husband too. I float along on what works and I float along on certain feelings, but my feelings are not reliable, right? I am scared when I read in the Bible and it says someones heart was hardened. I don't think it's fair...it scares me. But then I find my own heart hardened. My motives aren't always pure. The things I fail at are the things that I don't put into my spiritual journey. Absolutely everything should fit in, but I don't always want it to. I have many temptations that plague me, one deals with food at the moment. But my motivation for losing weight right now is earthly and not spiritual. I need to pray to change my mindset, but I don't know if I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can buy cute clothes, so that I can look attractive, and so that I can fit in. In reality, if those are my motivations, then I know I am set up for failure. Maybe not right away, maybe in two years, but I will fail. My need to be thinner is superficial right now. Superficial will not last. I need to commit everything to Christ. Even those things that seem silly, like my procrastination with laundry. I will fail unless I commit it to the Lord.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

Babel

Life is confusing...especially if we trust only ourselves...

Babel

Let's build a high tower to proclaim our great fame
Let's build a tower and make for ourselves a name
Higher than the mountains, up past the clouds
Something so glorious, it will draw crowds
They will see what we can do and be amazed
They will see the bricks with our hands we have raised
Yes, we will be great and we will be strong
Our great fame will spread through stories and songs
The plans of these men so lofty and proud
A tower of fame reaching past the clouds
A rumble of laughter mistaken for thunder
As those plans will soon enough be thrust asunder

The world continues to build arrogant towers
With bricks that are fashioned in proud human powers
We turn our blind eyes to the scars of a Son
When we proclaim our fame and declare what we've done
We laugh at the the story and make fun of their songs
And vainly forget that we too, try to be strong
Such towers are built each day in our name
With the bricks we have fashioned, we are the same
Our plans and our pride as we build arrogant towers
Only cause Him to laugh as we trust our own powers
Our efforts and wisdom are foolish and weak
It's only through Him, we will find what we seek

Hands

It's still a mystery to me
That the hands of God could be so small,
How tiny fingers reaching in the night
Were the very hands that measured the sky

Chorus
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Heaven's love reaching down to save the world
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Son of God, Servant King,
You're here with us
You're here with us

Verse 2
It's still a mystery to me, oh,
How His infant eyes have seen the dawn of time
How His ears have heard an angel's symphony,
But still Mary had to rock her Savior to sleep

These are some words that struck a chord with me today. I heard the song for the first time today on the radio. I had to hold myself in not to cry too much before heading off to do some grocery shopping. The song was performed by Joy Williams.

I had an image of Reuben's small hands flash through my mind. Then I thought of those hands being pierced with big ugly nails, my baby's own hands, beautiful hands. I wanted to cry. Jesus was once a baby. I believe it and yet the image was made more clear to me today. Mary rocked her baby to sleep. Then I think, well, Mary was special. But no, she was blessed. Now these verses come to mind....Matthew 25:37-40 "Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.' I love the story of Jesus coming to earth, but sometimes we have a tendency to forget this story is very real today as well, that He is living. He became flesh. Human. A baby. "That was me- you did that to me." It's not good will to people because it's Christmas and it's a good thing to do. It's loving Jesus, humans, flesh. Hands and feet. Ugly scars. Outcast. Those beautiful babies that grow and experience pain. They are Jesus. I hold my own children, but they aren't really mine. They are easy to love at times. Harder other times. There are more babies born in mangers. They are Jesus. More outcasts ignored. We are Mary and Joseph loving the baby in the manger.

The Tree

The tree stands in the shadow of a tall building
No light shines upon it
Dried out it stands
It is not watered
The tree does not bear fruit
It's roots grow into hard packed sand
Yet why does it grow?
No one knows
Let's tear it down they said
And everyone agreed
Except a wise old man
With a loving heart
He said tear down the building
And let the light shine upon it
Water it and it will grow
Replant it in soil and it will bear fruit
And so it was and the tree grew
Stronger and more beautiful by each passing day

He Wept

Jesus wept. He knew what was going to happen to Lazarus. He knew the outcome, yet he wept. He was deeply moved by the grief of his dear friends.  The people around Jesus did ask why he didn't just prevent the death of Lazarus. Some of the people took note of how much Jesus loved Lazarus. Jesus needed the glory of God to be undeniably shown to the people present,that's why he waited. God's glory needs to be shown through my life too. 
Sometimes I need to wait. Sometimes the way in which God reveals His glory is difficult for us to witness or endure for a time. Everything that looks good or feels good is not necessarily what God wants. I have a hard time discerning what I need to do. What God wants. Giving money to a certain project, helping a friend in need,finishing a commitment I started all sound like good things to me; but the question is whether God is glorified. Is God leading me to do this, or am I relying on what I think is right. We are definitely called to love. Sometimes though I wonder if the love we think we are showing is actually hindering. Out of love, Jesus could have prevented the death of a friend, but he saw a greater plan. That plan can hurt. Jesus wept.  Right now, the fact that Jesus wept is moving to me. He felt the pain of his friends regardless of the fact that he knew what was coming. Jesus did not get too caught up in what was going be done, what he needed to do, that he ignored the pain of his friends. Jesus was moved to weeping. He comes along side us regardless of the fact that he knows what we are going through may have a happy outcome or a good reason. To glorify God. Scary. Moving. Amazing. Absolute trust. I don't have that yet. But I know that whatever happens, Christ is not a third party witness, he is involved. I pray for the wisdom to discern what God will do through me for his glory as opposed to what I think is good. And I pray to be like Jesus in the way that it is powerful enough to come along side and weep regardless of what I might know of the situation. Not judging, not too involved in what yet needs to be done, just sharing. Loving.

Hook, Cross, Follow Through

This is a poem I wrote years ago. Funny how God places something in your heart and then it's relevance shows up again years later. I was quite young when I wrote it, yet I'm still learning from it myself. It's still powerful to me. It's about children in orphanages in foreign countries. Now with a friend adopting a child from an orphanage overseas, I've read this poem a few times lately. It was a telethon that affected me as a girl...showed some children and what they did to numb the pain of things they had seen or to numb their hearts against feeling...

Hook, Cross, Follow Through

Hook
Cross
Follow through
Each day all but new
Crossfires in senseless disarray
Love is only a word some say
Pictures carved in an innocent mind
Actions to which some pretend to be blind
Over and over, the past plays
Darkened future, no shining way
The sounds are still real
The wounds cannot heal
Hook
Cross
Follow through
Each day all but new

Head
Against
Board
Board
Against
Head
So pass the days in the small bed
Not yet to speak, not yet to walk
Love unknown is still only talk
Torn from the life giving embrace
Made to dwell in a foreign place
Only wanting the love
The care so oft spoken of
Innocent suicide
Murdered by foolish pride
Head
Against
Board
Board
Against
Head
So pass the days in the small bed

Staring at
Nothing
Nothing
Stares
Back
Anxiously waiting, her bags are packed
Sun shining, dismal grey, she has woken
Love, lost word, still only spoken
Through time confined to a bed
Outside, the fallen are dead
Her body in pain due to illness
Her heart in pain yet to confess
Gone is the time, her last breath impart
Her body still youthful, no longer her heart
Staring at
Nothing
Nothing
Stares
Back
Anxiously waiting, her bags were packed

Hook
Cross
Follow through
Each day all but new
Head
Against
Board
Board
Against
Head
So pass the days in the small bed
Staring at
Nothing
Nothing
Stares
Back
Anxiously waiting, her bags were packed
Crossfires in senseless disarray
Love is only a word some say

Apples

I don't trust my feelings. I have been afraid to write. I don't trust myself. My horomones. My thoughts. My heart. It's like when I am picking apples at the store, I try not to get the ones with the bruises. Also,  I did not realize how many different kinds of apples there were until I went to Ontario a few weeks ago. Honey Crisp, Jonagold, Russet, Gala....and I haven't even mentioned many of the varities we recognize in our own grocery store in town. I'm not sure I could even recognize the bruises on some of the different varities of apples. I've also realized that I don't know my own heart. I can't always recognize all the bruises either. I want to try so many different things, to taste, to smell, to trust someone when they tell me to try something different. To be surprised by the taste of an apple that may not have attacted me to it at first glance. I put an apple away tonight and it was really hard for me to do. But I have these apples in my hands and I can't grab new ones when my hands are full. I still don't know which new apples to pick. But I know I want the apples...I guess that's something...
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12 This verse to me is comforting right now. My heart may be bruised, I may be confused,my soul and spirit divided, but the word of God can penetrate.

What a Week!

When reading the Bible I am sometimes confronted with something I need to work on. I feel guilty, but I also feel good to know that God is still speaking to me. I have to take the time to listen and I have to humble myself into accepting discipline. We have all had different experiences growing up. Growing up with a lot of friends who lived on a farm, the word "shit" was not so bad for example. And growing up in my family, the dutch swears were much worse than some of the english swears. I have a tendency to say the "f" word. I tend to justify it by the situation. I am asking God to work through me and He is answering by showing me what I need to work on. Preparing my heart. So this week I made a cake and it fell over in my oven. Batter everywhere. The batter even seeped down into the oven drawer underneath. That night I cooked red cabbage without putting water in the pan...I thought I smelled something burning...must be the cake from earlier..."Mom, what's that smell?"...phone rings...kids need me...Burnt red cabbage does not smell too good. The next day I drove the truck into Lacombe and hit the back side of the truck into a metal post...big dent. Then while getting chicken out of the freezer for supper I somehow managed to drop a piece behind the big, impossible to move chest and now I have to ask my husband to help me somehow get the piece of chicken before it thaws and stinks up the garage. To top it all off, I am also becoming quite efficient at using a plunger. The toilet has been plugged and has overflowed three times this week. Apple cores, while biodegradable, do take their time to break down. I am not making these situations up either to make a point...ask my husband. It has been a humbling week. I am not saying that God sent these situations my way to teach me a lesson, I'm pretty good at making a mess myself. I do however know that through reading my Bible and praying to be made Holy, God will teach us and confront us. So this morning I read "Therefore be clear minded and self controlled so that you can pray." 1Peter 4:7b  In the first two situations I used the "f" word. It really didn't help. It's not a word I want my kids to pick up. I don't think I'll be less clumsy in the future. I may still use the word in moments of thoughtlessness. I need to clear my mind, stop justifying the wrong that I do and practice self control. And I read on... "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."    
1 Peter 4:11

Judgements

We all judge others whether we are Christians or not. I saw a young man walk into McDonald's today with jeans on and paint covering every centimeter of his jeans. Hmmm, hard worker, why doesn't he wear coveralls? He had tattoos covering his arms like sleeves and the word "hope" on his fingers. Interesting. I wonder what all his tattoos say and why he got them. I could see other people noticing him. He placed his tray down on the table and then proceeded to pray; to thank God for his food. Something I forgot to do for my fast food meal. Then I thought, he does have a kind face. There is hope in his eyes. I can't claim to know his heart now, but God does. And it isn't important what I think. None of us can claim that we never judge another person. Yet, as Jesus' love shines through us, we find it easier to move past what we see with our limited vision. We are called only to love, not to judge. I think we need to ask Christ daily to be with us in every interaction with anybody who crosses our path. I personally probably have a harder time with other people than I actually did have with the young man I saw today, but he did get me thinking. What kinds of people am I hard on and how do I try to justify myself? 
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting". Psalm 139:23&24